What follows is a big collection of texts, tweets, and lots of other posts about what it’s like having another person being that important in your life. All the married folks out there know it isn’t all roses and sunshine. Still, these are all mostly in good fun, so sit back and get ready to laugh.
The One Place He'll Never Expect
When you're in a committed relationship with another person, you start to learn more and more about that person as time goes on. For instance, you might learn that your husband never puts his keys where they're actually supposed to go. You can take advantage of that fact.
Of course, if your husband did piss you off, maybe you should talk to him and try and clear the air a little bit, but that doesn't mean you can get those sweet, sweet internet points. Also, we'd expect your husband to follow you on Twitter, which means the jig is up.
They Seem Like a Fun Couple
Communication is key in any marriage and any relationship. When two people stop talking for long periods of time, you can bet that something has stopped working right. Maybe they have their own method of communication, but it's never a sign of good things. These two are going in the opposite direction and might be communicating a little bit TOO much.
At first, they're just discussing where they want to go for dinner, but then they move into talking about their bathroom work. Maybe that's because of where they went to eat. Cheesecake Factory doesn't exactly have light meals to offer.
It Had Better Be Me
Generally, referring to a woman you like as a... gardening instrument isn't going to get you very far. It's been tried before, and it doesn't work. So all they're good for is tilling the earth? They can do a lot more than that, you pig. However, it seems like this family doesn't have any problem giving each other some fun jabs for a laugh.
However, from other pictures that these two have put up (they seem to have a farm or ranch of some kind), it's very possible that they do actually already have a hoe available. Hard to plant crops without one.
Guess Where He Gets It From
Ah, in-laws. You're legally supposed to love them, but they just make it so darn hard sometimes. Coming into your home and criticizing and telling you how to raise your kids and bringing you food sometimes. Just leave us alone! Even if you don't have in-laws like Ray Barone, they can still get on your nerves.
For instance, this in-law thinks that her son doesn't have anything to do with the state of the house. He's your son; he's just doing the things that you taught him. Also, thanks for offering to help! Here's a broom; you can start downstairs.
It's Nice to Have Things in Common
Does anybody sleep well anymore? Anybody at all? Does everybody just wake up after six or seven or eight or more hours of sleep feeling like they still need a thousand years to finally catch up on their sleep debt, or is it just us? Insomnia is no fun, people.
When you get married, you can compare notes on who had a worse night of trying to fend off nightmares before another day of work. Having to sleep in a bed with someone else can be tough for those not used to it, which means worse sleep for everybody. Sweet.
The Workforce Is Younger Every Year
A little bit of classic misdirection and confusion. This guy knows that humor isn't just making funny quips and trying to be humorous in the face of danger (we're looking at you, Marvel Cinematic Universe). This was a real, honest-to-goodness joke that actually made us laugh, even if the wife in question will need a few moments to figure it out.
Where's the most natural place for a baby to work? A baby food company? A diaper or pacifier company? Blizzard? There are lots of options, but we just can't imagine one being all that productive, what with all the naps.
What Do You Mean You Don't Eat Forks?
Nobody, and you can quote us on this, had a “normal” childhood. Everybody had that one weird sibling, or that weird thing that a parent would do, or some bad stuff happened during that one year, and nobody is really over it yet. Everybody is weird in their own way.
Like, apparently, some people don't make their mashed potatoes by filling a Super Soaker with hot water and blasting it into a pot. We don't get it either. However, once you gain a husband or wife, you have someone there who is prepared to tell you when something doesn't make sense.
Please Get Them Out of the House
Also, don't eat raw spaghetti; that stuff can be dangerous. That's how you give your kids IBS. A wife waiting for a husband to come home might not be the most unique thing in the world, but it's still nice to see that someone can miss someone. And as long as that someone brings fresh food with him on the way home, he will be welcomed with open arms.
There's nothing wrong with leftovers, but you have to restock the pantry at some point. In case you want to know, this text was sent over the winter break when the kids didn't even have school.
Remembering the Important Stuff
Sure, getting your loved one a card on the day of love is a nice gesture, but are you sure there isn't something he or she would like a little better? Maybe some fried pastry dough that is full of sugar, ricotta cheese, and a little bit of citrus zest to give the whole thing a nice, bright flavor? That's what most people are after – cannolis.
They even talk about how important it is in “The Godfather.” Valentine's Day cannolis sounds like the kind of tradition we can get behind, but it might need a little more word-of-mouth. Don't you think?
It's Not the Easiest Thing in the World
For some reason, there are people out there who simply cannot wrap their heads around a dishwasher. Plates? Cups? Bowls? There are lots of stuff that needs to be loaded, and not enough places to load them. Sure, the silverware section isn't too hard to figure out, but do you load the plates by size? Do all the bowls point in the same direction? How do you fit all the cups in there?
Honestly, the people that can figure them out are geniuses. We're pretty sure there are some dishwashers that are actively designed to hold as few dishes as possible.
Were You Saying Something?
Our hearing starts to get worse and worse as we get older – sure, there are plenty of things you can do to protect yourself from damage, but it's going to happen at least a little. So if you see two old people yelling at each other, they might not be angry – they might just be having a normal conversation.
One of them might not even have noticed that they were having a conversation. He or she might have just heard a little rushing of air, and then suddenly, the other person is yelling, and they're confused, and we're confused, and everybody is confused.
He Actually Listens to Me
No wonder people get dogs so often – they can't talk back. You take them on walks and tell them all your troubles. They just listen, and you have a chance to let it all air out as you're stretching your legs with your furry friend.
Sure, your wife might get a little bit jealous, but the dog actually gets excited by going on walks. Very long walks. Maybe if you got excited about going on walks, Rachel, I would talk to you a little more. We both have our paths forward here. We just have to walk them, that is all.
Modern Communication for Modern Parents
Having a child is always a long conversation. So too, are having a second, third, or fourth child. As much as some parents might like, “Can I keep it?” is not a conversation. From the get-go, you're off on the wrong foot. Then again, it's the lady in the situation who sort of has the power here, unless the guy is willing to get a specific procedure done.
Or, he can choose to respond with a gif from “Monsters, Inc.” which is always a great way to respond to anything. Even something that should, let's be real, be a much longer conversation.
Lifelong Learning
It's been said that if you aren't trying to improve yourself each and every day, then you're slowly dying. Just sitting there stagnating. You could be learning about yourself or others, or about totally unrelated topics in science, literature, or history. It doesn't matter what about; just keep that brain working.
You could also learn something about shades of beige, that thing being there are many, many, many of them, and only one is the right answer to pick when it comes to curtains. But they all look exactly the same to you, and your wife is mad at you for some reason, and there is no escape.
Oh, So Now It's My Dog
Here are the rules: It's your dog when it's made a mess, needs to go to the vet, or has to go for a walk. It's my dog when it wants to play, wants to snuggle, or looks really cute for pictures.
We can't blame the dog too much in this case – if it's that cold out, then we wouldn't want to have to go outside to do our business either. There's a nice, warm inside to make a mess, so why not just do it there? To a doggy mind that just wants to stay out of the cold, it's the perfect thought process.
It's a Good Assumption to Make
Going shopping together makes it that much easier and that much quicker, but there still has to be some communication to get it all done properly. What kind of salami do we need, how many lightbulbs do we need, and do we need any cat food, that sort of thing.
And where is your husband during all this looking around? Why, he's in the cheese aisle, which is something you really should have known. Look, honey, they have brie from Switzerland, let's get some for our next cheese night. The cheese aisle is like the informal lost-and-found for husbands. Go there to find one, or if you've lost one.
Quick, to the History Books!
Everybody has a little bit of stubbornness inside them, and that stubbornness has a tendency to come out during arguments. Especially arguments between married men and women – that's just human nature. Your spouse might be the only person that you actually feel safe arguing with. So, when a wife admits defeat and gives victory to her husband, he can feel a bit...out of his element.
Does he celebrate? Does he calmly accept her words? Does he wonder what else he could possibly be right about? Maybe it's just a trap, and this will be the end of the relationship.
Please, Honey, I Was Sleeping
So there you are, dreaming about playing cards with Superman, Woody Woodpecker, and the Michelin Man, and suddenly you're rudely awoken by your upset spouse, who thinks you cheated on her during the night thanks to her dreams. Sure, it's best to apologize and reassure, but also let her know that if she does something stupid in your dreams, you can do the same thing to her.
That will show her for messing up the record-breaking pizza that you were baking with Julia Childs. Now we have to start all over, and it took months for us to knead all that dough!
We Thought Ambition
Napoleon was a man with big dreams, but he didn't have the biggest stature. This lady seems to understand that just because a man has a lot of thoughts in his head doesn't mean he'll be the best life mate. Plus, she was already married to that other guy.
Also, did you know that Napoleon wasn't actually that short? Sure, five-foot-six isn't huge, but it was normal for the time. The English thought he was much shorter due to a difference in their inches – they thought he was a mere five feet, two inches. Now that's small. Even shorter than the shortest U.S. president, James Madison.
No, I Can't. I Cannot
Some things take practice. If you don't know what you're doing or where you're going, you'll end up lost, confused, and scared. For many married men, their wife's purse is one of those places. It doesn't matter what you need to get; it's going to take a pack of sled dogs and a couple of emergency flares by the time he's done.
This guy has figured out the cheat code, however. You pick up the purse, walk to your wife, and hand her the purse. There, the job is done, and he can get back to organizing his workbench for the next time he asks his wife for a tool.
Good to Know
Blanket statements can sometimes cause confusion, but they often give people a sense of security. That's why they call them blankets. This guy has learned that his wife thinks that literally everything he does is weird, which has to come as some sort of comfort, right?
He doesn't need to spend all that precious brainpower wondering if what he's doing is weird – he already knows the answer. But what if he DOES do something that's normal? Is that when his wife looks at him like he's just done something weird? The whole world has been turned on its head. Up is down; cats are dogs.
Wait, Whose Wife?
The wording in this conversation is a little confusing, but we think we get the gist of it. The wife wakes up at seven fifteen in the morning without having to resort to an alarm clock – respectable, that – and goes about her day.
She was proud of that fact, so she texted her husband, who was still in bed at almost ten o'clock. Or maybe some other wife texted him since he messed up the pronouns in his response text. Is that even her husband? Is she his wife? We're all twisted into knots now. It's too early for this sort of thing.
I Even Have a Picture to Prove It
So a husband and wife leave home at the same time and get caught at the same stoplight for who knows how long. The husband, a car behind, decides to have a little bit of fun, and the wife responds in kind, egging him on. Men love a chase, we're told.
However, he reminds her that he's already caught her. We assume that's a picture of a wedding or engagement ring on her finger. Could be his, though; we don't know. Whichever finger it's on, the band might need to be loosened a little bit. It's gonna start cutting off blood flow.
Don't Stand in Front of the Sink, Hon
Don't be too mad at your husband if he's doing this – at least it seems like he wants to help. Maybe he just wants to talk to you about your day or get started on the dishes, so there isn't as much work once you are done eating.
Then again, there are some kitchens that are a little petit and small, and two people inside them can make moving around and getting the necessary drawers or cabinets a little tough. If this is the case for you, be proactive – start teaching your significant other how to fetch things for you.
Oh, Really? We Should Check It Out
Well, I'm very glad that you heard about it. Sure, this kind of thing in a marriage or other relationship can be a little annoying, but if one of them wants to go to it, and the other is already aware of it, then at least there doesn't have to be a discussion about where to go for dinner.
That's commonly considered one of the most dreaded discussions in a relationship, so being able to skip past it and get right to the food is always a good idea. Unless the two are talking about different restaurants, which seems like a plot from “Frasier.”
How Do You Forget SHREK?!
Yes, this tweet is very funny, and we're glad that we got to witness it, but how on Earth do you forget the name of the main character, and the title character, of one of the most famous animated series ever? We guess there are all kinds out there.
Calling him "the big green guy" isn't going to work, thanks to characters like the Jolly Green Giant, the Incredible Hulk, Jim Carrey from “The Mask,” and even Godzilla. It's hard to argue that Summertime Grinch isn't a good name for Shrek. He does kind of have that vibe. Green, gross, unhappy, doesn't like other people, finds love.
There's a Good Reason, Honey, I Swear
You don't make a lady wait for pizza. Just don't do it. Please? Come oooooooooon. Hurry uuuuuuuup. Sadly, though, we all must wait for pizza at some point in our lives. Usually, when we most desire one of nature's most perfect foods. But can something like pizza become even more perfect?
We think so, yes – put cheese inside the crust, and we have reached the culinary pinnacle that humans are able to achieve. We're not really sure what this guy means by “two pep,” but it might be a certain location, a certain favorite pizza place. Or they want two pepperoni pizzas.
Slowly Realizing Something
There are some people out there that really don't like being interrupted. However, those same people often don't like to interrupt since, well, they don't like it. It feels wrong to them. Getting married will often change these people, though for better or worse, it's hard to tell.
This woman gives us a tongue-in-cheek tweet about her husband who has finally chosen to take a stand against his wife's constant interruptions and butting in, and she's pretending not to get the joke. Don't worry, everybody; she gets the joke. There's no way she would write the tweet that way unless she got the joke.
There Are a Lot of Those, to Be Fair
It's just too bad that Jake Butt isn't in the league anymore because he would be a lock. However, anybody who watches the NFL on a regular basis is probably aware that plenty of the players bring plenty of cake to the games. And that is not all they bring.
Wide receivers and tight ends are always good picks, but there are plenty of quarterbacks that could be part of “Baby Got Back,” if you catch our drift. There might have to be some research when it comes down to kickers and running backs, but there's probably a site out there to help.
This Is Not an Idle Threat
We hear that squirrel tastes just like chicken, but there are plenty of other options, especially if the husband in question has a car and a way to drive to a store. Thankfully, as long as there are groceries in the house, there are lots of options. You ever made a grilled cheese sandwich just because you can? It's great.
Throw in some tomato soup and some fruit, and you have an entire meal right there, perfect for the wife who refuses to move from the couch. And if the husband doesn't make a good grilled cheese sandwich, then maybe the wife shouldn't be such a couch potato.
I'm Not Built for This Kind of Thing
Everybody has their niche. Some people are good at making a plate of nachos; some people are good at flying fighter planes. Some people are teachers, engineers, or artists. Some people do a lot better in the office than in the house, and this poor guy seems like he's the former.
He now has to figure out how to load the dishwasher with dishes, start the dryer, get the kids ready for school, or do any number of other seemingly impossible tasks. How does she manage it, day in and day out? There are some mysteries that may never be solved.
Every Couple Is a Little Different
There's nothing wrong with sending articles to each other, as long as they're edifying. Try and keep the pop-culture articles to one a week. They aren't helping you, trust us. But, maybe that's just how some couples like to communicate. “Hey, check out this cool article” is far from the worst thing you could hear from your significant other.
At least it isn't something like, “You left the dog in the washing machine again.” If the articles are about science and technology or history or the best way to make a frittata, sign us up. We could always try and improve our frittata game.
It's a Big Change for Her, Specifically
If you've gone your entire life with a specific last name, then there's a good chance that you know how to spell it like the back of your hand. You could spell that name with your eyes closed and your hands tied behind your back.
If you get hitched, however, there's a good chance that you have a new last name, and now you have to wrap your mind around some new letters. There are lots of names out there that just don't fit into the mind all that well, and this lady's new surname is a doozy. Eleven letters are far too many. Nine is the max.
That Multi-Blade Does Wonders for a Person
Razors for men and women differ, somehow. Don't look at us; we don't know. Some of them have more; some have less. Some are meant for faces, some for legs, some for under the arms, and some for the chest. As far as we can tell, this lady discovered that her husband's razor is a far better choice than hers, and she isn't prepared to let it go just yet.
That shouldn't really be a problem – just get more of the same razor. This way, they both get to enjoy the cool colors that are being offered, too. Green and black — such a nice combination.
The CEO Has Heard It All Before
Switching a lot of our work to online has changed the game for many nine-to-fivers. For some of us, nothing was like it used to be anymore. Meetings became Zoom calls fraught with the possibility of mishaps and mistakes like this one. While it isn't exactly a work conversation, it's not like the guy was saying anything wrong. If anything, he was proving he was a good dog owner.
Still, best not to talk about such things during a work meeting, since it's clear you aren't paying attention. It doesn't matter how much better your dog is than your coworkers, you probably shouldn't listen while they talk.
The Guy Across the Street Always Did Seem Suspicious
Married life is nice because there are a lot fewer surprises, but things can get a little boring, too. Work, home, chores, paperwork, putting the kids to bed, maybe some TV after everything is said and done. Having the same thing over and over can be comforting, but it does tend to drag on.
That is until a cop car shows up on the street, and then you can kick your imagination back into use. Is it because the house over there is a seedy crime den? Maybe they have a hundred dogs that need to be rescued. Maybe it's that boy of theirs again.
It's the Thought That Counts
Leaving notes for someone who goes off to work or school is a time-honored tradition and one that we think needs to come back in spades. Children of today have no idea what it feels like to open a lunch box with a blessing inside. This kind of note, however, does more than just let a husband know you're thinking about him – it helps him improve, too. Though he might not love it.
On the other hand, he only has himself to blame for stale bread. Look, as long as it hasn't gone moldy; you can deal with it. And now you know why you have stale bread, bud. All that late-night toast.
Rest in Pieces
It's true that autocorrect has done a lot of good things for people. Getting the words exactly right on those tiny screens can be a hassle for some people. On the other hand, clearly, it's not perfect. We all have a story of autocorrect giving us a hard time when we're trying to communicate something.
For instance, this guy was trying to tell his wife he liked her idea. Instead, he made it seem like it was something that came out of a butt. Hopefully, she's the understanding sort. Otherwise, this might be the last tweet we see from him.
You Never Know What You're Going to Get
Is it a good thing to ask someone you love about their day? Yes, certainly. It takes a little more than that, but it's a good first step to showing that you care. But, just like this cat seems to understand, it can also lead to some difficult times.
Maybe the wife had a bad day and needs a shoulder to cry on. Maybe she's mad about something you did, and you've just painted a big target on your chest. Maybe she wants you to stop giving the cat grenades to play with. It's dangerous, and grenades aren't cheap or legal.
Who's That?
Also acceptable are “That's too bad,” “I liked him in that one thing,” or “Wow, she was so young.” You've never going to find a marriage between two people that are exactly alike, and that comes to their adherence to pop culture, too. One person is always going to know that one person from that one sitcom died, and the other person usually isn't going to care as much.
Sure, if someone important like a queen or a James Bond dies, then that other person might know, but otherwise, that person will rely on you for the info. That person might not care, but that won't stop you.
We Love Derp
A lot of the additions to this list are things that will, in one form or another, make fun of at least half of a relationship. Sometimes both. Sometimes they will make fun of a theoretical relationship because there apparently aren't enough ways to make fun of your REAL husband. This item, however, is a husband simply being proud of the art that his wife crafted.
We couldn't agree more. Anybody who's done some pumpkin carving will let you know it's not the easiest thing – this sort of miniature face must have taken some skill and practice. He looks so happy to be here. He's like the starfish from “Finding Nemo.”
Check Before You Get Into an Argument
You can be frustrated with something and barely even know it, but all the people around you will know it. You might think you're mad at your husband for loading the dishes wrong or losing the dog, but what you're really unhappy about is all that pinching.
If you're feeling mad or frustrated for no reason, there might actually be a very good reason, really close to your heart. Find something more comfortable, and you can take on the challenges of the day with a clear mind and comfortable body. Nothing like finding the proper undergarments to start the day right.
We Assume This Means Something Big
Pokemon, huh? Yeah, Pikachu and...all the other ones. There's a red one, we think. We like the red one. If you don't play those pocket monsters as much as this couple clearly does, let's clue you in. A Sharpedo is a water Pokemon that looks like a cross between a shark and a torpedo. That's the easy part.
A rare candy is an item that helps your Pokemon gain a level. There must be something about how Sharpedos interact with these nice treats, but we can't tell you how that works. We've even done some research. Still, These two know how to talk to each other to get the good feelings flowing.
You Can't Just Turn a 180 Like That
When was the last time you gave a compliment in the moment? It might seem a little awkward, but you can always do it. You have to mean it, of course, but there's no way it will be a bad thing. That's if you actually mean it.
If you're the kind of person who hits people with insults 24/7, and then you turn around and start to act nice, some people are going to be wary about the change. Especially if that person is your husband. You might want to take it one step at a time, but we still like the attempt.
Okay Kids, You're Going to Grandma's
Even if the wife is there, we get the feeling that keeping this house clean, shiny, and spotless is a full-time job. When she's out of the house, that means it's up to the hubby to make sure everything is in its proper place. Hopefully, he knows where those proper places are.
The solution offered in this tweet is one possible option for cutting that knot, though it's quite a bit more expensive than just keeping the place clean. Maybe put down some plastic over all the floors, so you can just pull everything up an hour before she gets back.
If We Eat Them Quick Enough, They Won't Spoil
Hopefully, by now, you're aware of how important vegetables are in your daily life. If you have regular portions, you're going to feel a lot better for a bunch of different reasons. Just have a big ol' carrot during your lunch. That's not too hard, is it?
And for dinner, have some microwave veggies. Put them in a bowl, add some water, and cook them until they're warm enough. Nothing to it. Your body will thank you. It seems like this husband and wife pair needs a little more urging to eat their greens, but buying them is a good first step.
I Only Know Where the Important Stuff Is
Kids have the tendency to let their stuff go all over the place. It can end up in the van, the house, the yard, or maybe in a lost artifact from thousands of years ago. We get the feeling that the husband, who is responding in gray, isn't the kind of person to keep track of the little things all that well, but we're sure he has some good points elsewhere.
Maybe he knows how to cook a mean steak, and that's why his wife keeps him around. He also seems to know where the Ark of the Covenant is. Indiana Jones would like a word.
The End of the Ms
Woe betide the person who finishes off the M&Ms and doesn't procure more for the household, because that person is suddenly in great danger. This wife and mom has demonstrated the proper way of admonishing the person who emptied the bag – push that person out of the house and lock the door.
The only way they can come back in is if they go and get more candy. This is not a complicated scenario, bud. You bring me more of the little chocolate candies, and then you get to come back inside. Not before. Bonus points for the peanut ones. Those are the best.
It's the Little Things
We all have to take some time out of our day to make sure we feel ready. Prepared for the next big thing. Set to face the day, the week, the month. This can come in a lot of forms. It could be yoga or meditation. Exercising, reading, watching some TV, video games, listening to music, or lots of other things.
Even, as this tweet points out, eating someone else's food. Right out of the bag, so that the other person doesn't know, in the safety and security of your car, where nobody can see you. Surely, that will prepare you for any situation.
Now Show Her All the Broken-Down Cardboard Boxes
Whether or not you're married (or in a very long and serious relationship), no doubt you're aware that some things change once the rings are on the fingers. No longer do the hot, heavy words fly fast and loose; now it's “Look, Honey, I cleaned out the cabinets.” Whew, give us a moment to cool off.
We can barely even look at that bag of cords without our minds going to certain places. Just think of all the space that you have for other things. Like new cords! People are always accumulating new cords. We don't know where they're coming from, but they are getting there somehow.
It's the End for Me, Baby
There's only one thing you want going in your eyes, and that's light, with which to see. We guess we can include contact lenses in there, too; that's fine. Otherwise, everything should be kept as far as possible from those eyeballs.
Stuff like dirt, soap, and even food can introduce itself in an unfriendly way, and to a lot of people, it might seem like there's no way to fix it. Just don't go willing all your pyramid scheme clothing to people unless you know that you're actually on the way out. Thankfully, eyes have a lot of ways to freshen themselves.
That Explains It
While there are plenty of people who have it down to a science nowadays, losing the remote control is so ubiquitous that tons of ink have been spilled, whether it's jokes for a stand-up routine or comics on the funny pages.
We don't think this is what's happening every time you're looking for the clicker, and it's nowhere to be found, but it's an option, at least. Please give us back the remote, Emma, it's on the home shopping network, and that channel makes us want to get lost in the woods. Some newer TVs don't even have channel buttons – they just have the power button, and that's it. So you NEED the remote.
You Don't Need to Answer
We know who is important in this relationship. We know who gets the most cuddles, the most treats, and the most attention. It's definitely not the guy who spends his free time organizing his Funko Pops every day. Sometimes it's by color, sometimes it's by release date, sometimes it's by a strange and inscrutable system that only he could possibly understand.
Maybe you need to pay a little more attention to your wife, and not only your little figurines. Maybe then YOU will be the baby that she's excited to see when she comes home, and not the animal that lives with you.
Forgetting One While Chasing Another
First off, Sasha and Vash aren't human children, which was what we assumed when we started reading this. It made for a good bit of confusion. No, dollars to donuts, the two names mentioned are dogs, which would explain why Sasha couldn't handle eating pecans and raisins.
As mentioned, it's probably a good thing that doggy spewed it back up, since there are a lot of normal human foods (like grapes) that dogs shouldn't be eating. There's also the fact that the husband most likely ate the food that the dog had gotten at without realizing it. Most likely, it was sitting out in a bowl, so, gross.
Good to Know Where You Stand
Hey, eight isn't bad. That's like a...B. Depending on how the scale is used; it could even be a B-plus! Not bad at all. Way better than a lot of other people can manage, we'll tell you that much. Still, what could be done to bump up the scale a little bit?
More backrubs? Letting the other half pick the movie to watch more often? A long and deep study into your partner's preferred love languages, and a month's-long attempt to focus more on the kind of love that he or she finds most worthwhile, like listening or acts of service? It's probably the movie thing.
To Jail With You, Criminal
A properly fitted sheet is a thing of beauty. Just imagine sliding into your bed when you know it's made up to the nines. No wrinkles, no pulled-up sheets, no nothing. Perfection. But, now, a nightmare. Imagine someone has intentionally and purposely ruined your side of the bed because that person doesn't know how to use his words.
Instead, he does something that we think should be banned by International Humanitarian Law. People who do this sort of thing need to stand before a trial of their peers and face their punishment. That punishment? No more clean sheets for you.
Sometimes You Have to Say Something Important
One of the biggest parts of being in a marriage – or any long-lasting strong and committed relationship, for that matter – is communication. There is no expert, no wise man who will tell you anything different, though the method and form of communication might change a little bit depending on who you ask.
Sometimes that communication takes place while you are sitting on the porcelain throne, doing everything that must be done. This could be because someone doesn't know where you are, needs your help with something, or is trying to talk to you about house payments or something like that.
How Is That Not Helpful?
Look, lady, we don't know what else to tell you. We don't know what number the aisle is in, we just go to the aisle and buy the stuff that we need. Oil and wipers and new headlight bulbs and stuff like that. We barely even realize that aisles have numbers unless we're told about them by a helpful store associate.
It's right next to the cleaning supplies. Does that help? And on the other side is the home hardware stuff like nails, hammers, and screws, and pipes and things. Really, we don't know what else we can tell you.
Don't Tell Them I'm Napping
Parents will tell you – time that you can take away from your kids is time to treasure. Maybe you get to take a nap, or maybe you get to watch a little bit of TV. Maybe it's even because you needed to get some cleaning done, but it's always a treasure.
This conversation tells us that some parents even have to pull the wool over their kids' eyes once in a while to make sure that Mom or Dad has a little bit of relaxation time when they need it. And, for some reason, they feel the need to continue the charade.
It's Important to Some People
Sure, working out more seems like a bad idea to a lot of people, but there are lots of advantages to such a thing. Not only will you get fitter – presumably – but getting a good sweat on with someone that you are already hopefully feeling romantic for will only make those feelings stronger. It's science, we think.
Plus, as long as you find something you enjoy, exercise and overall sports is simple! Running, weightlifting, hiking, biking, rock climbing – there are tons of options for everybody. Maybe your husband just wants you to be healthy and happy? Ever think about that?
Macabre, but Necessary
The thought of your most precious loved one passing away is a sobering one. Many couples just prefer not to think about it at all, despite how important certain discussions are. How do you get into accounts when only one person knows the passwords and things like that?
Usually, most couples just write them down on a piece of paper in a secure place, but we guess this picture gives us another option. It might be one that won't work, depending on the circumstances, but it's still an option. Kinda seems like these two need to spice it up. Maybe talk about your investments. That gets us excited.
Maybe Whoever It Is Will Do the Dishes
As a child, hearing a bump in the night will send your imagination spinning in all kinds of directions. Maybe it's a monster coming to gobble up your bones! As adults, most of us can figure things out, but we still might be scared. Unless, of course, you're tired enough to let it continue like so many adults seem to be doing these days.
Sure, there could be a thief in the house, but you have enough stuff, don't you? TVs aren't really that expensive. The kids left all their toys out, so the thief will probably just get a foot injury and leave.
What Did We Ever Do Without Phones
Many of us remember accompanying our fathers to the hardware store during Saturday afternoons to pick up pipe pieces, nuts and bolts, and all manner of other fun bits and bobs. But, back then, there were no cell phones to make everything easier. If you went to the store and didn't know exactly what you needed, then it was back to the house, back to the store, back and forth until you had the right part.
This couple has things figured out. Send a picture for a quick yes or no. In the meantime, the other half of the relationship keeps working. It's faster, it's probably cheaper, and everybody's happy at the end of the day.
I Need One of Them for Work
While yes, it's probably a good idea to take care of the kids more than a fancy piece of electronics, the husband from this tweet does have a little bit of a point. If you drop a MacBook Pro, that thing is going to shatter into a million pieces. If you drop a kid, they might cry a little bit, but they'll probably be all right.
Kids are resilient. Mac laptops most definitely are not. Sometimes they break just sitting there, doing nothing. Babies don't even have a single fused skull until they're like two years old. If you drop them, they might just bounce.
If He Can't Tell the Difference, He Doesn't Need to Know
There are still many women who hold great sway when it comes to the kitchen. Whether or not their husband can or wants to help make dinner, they might not have the opportunity to. That's because the woman of the household knows how to do things cheaply, quickly, and right.
Often that means little shortcuts like using garlic powder from a little seasoning bottle instead of getting garlic and washing it and chopping it up, and all the other little steps that come with that. So much easier just to get a powdered version. And if it tastes the same; why not?
Divergent Methods of Thought
It's hard to come up with someone who is actually what anybody would call “normal.” It's like...is there an actual average person? Probably not. There are lots of people who dance around it, but everybody has their own strange thing, like collecting popsicle sticks or being really into making salsa. Or dancing salsa.
No two people will look at a certain stimulus the same way, as this text conversation proves. Lots of adults just can't continue thinking about things normally. They have to strike out on their own path, or they'll feel too confined, too constrained. They have to get a tree swallow named Gene living in the mailbox.
This Went a Lot Differently in My Head
People who are married spend a lot of time communicating, be it important stuff like kids and jobs, or trivial things like what they saw during a walk. It's all important, and the more communication, the better. Even when they aren't communicating, they can be thinking about communicating. Lots of people run through conversations in their heads.
It helps them prepare for any eventuality. But these are just training runs – kind of like workouts for your conversation skills. The real thing doesn't always go as planned, and you can find yourself married without exchanging a simple word for years. Between you and us, sometimes it's better to keep our mouths shut.
At Least Somebody Is Having a Good Morning
Bless us, but there's nothing that gets the humor flowing faster than the word “nekkid.” Obviously, some people pronounce it like that, but it still gives us a chuckle. Anyway, onto more important matters. Let's move to the important things in life, like kids and how they drive us up the walls.
This simple good morning text, perhaps after one-half of a relationship has headed to work, also included an update on the boys, which seems like something that is often necessary. Still, there are a lot worse things the boys could be doing. Running around with toys to the "Star Wars" theme sounds like a pretty good time, with or without clothes.
We're All Trying to Figure This Out
It's hard to tell if this tweet is about condiments as they sit on the table for consumption or bottles in the fridge before setting the table or making a sandwich, but it's clear that it's going to work. If you know where something is, and then it's gone, it can throw anybody for a loop in a hurry.
But why would this wife choose to do such a thing to her loving husband? We can't fathom a guess, but maybe she's just trying to point out to him that he has to be a little more observant, and instead of being like a kid, he should join her on the other side.
Wisdom From the Elders
It's a sobering fact of marriage that things won't always be sunshine and roses. There will be tough times, and there will be tougher times. It's important to remember that you may even come to despise your spouse, but there can still be love there. Nothing is set in stone if you don't let it settle.
This tweet shows us some good advice from someone who has made it quite a while in the marriage game. You might hate your other half for a little while, but try not to let it last. You might just be able to make it the distance.
For Reference, Luna Is a Dog
At least, we assume Luna is a dog. That makes the most sense based on the small amount of information we have about her. If a human farted and then struggled for thirty seconds to roll over, we would start to get really worried about that person. Five seconds, max, and then you should have rolled over.
Even if a dog is having this much trouble and can't get things right, that dog might need to hit the gym or drop some pounds. There are some breeds that don't roll over as well, but still. Hey, and Mexico won. Good for Mexico.
The Trials of Homeschooling
Homeschooling has plenty of benefits. You don't have to pack lunches, you can easily keep an eye on your kids' schoolwork, and there are no bullies. Well, fewer bullies, we guess. Darn older siblings. On the other hand, having to manage your kids as well as help them get through school can be a strain on a lot of families.
That could possibly lead to discussions like this one after the discovery of kids playing hooky. Then again, if Mom is also the teacher, there's not much the kids can do to get away from the idea of schoolwork. It will always be there when they wake up.
How Do We Explain This?
A simple misunderstanding leads to a lot of confusion for the man of the house. We're going to have to dance around the issue here, but he is definitely not going to find what he expects to find when he gets back to his wife. Maybe she'll share her muffin with him.
The normal kind, the kind you eat for breakfast that has blueberries in it. Whew, is it getting warm in here, or is it just us? We'd also like to know why autocorrect thought to change “save” to “shave.” It adapts to how you type, you know! Must be a lot of shaving going on.
It Feels Like We're Missing Something Here
So these two are excited that their team won the big game, and they're doing a little text celebrating after the fact. Okay, nothing too off-the-wall so far. Everything makes sense. And then the husband starts talking about how the Eagles are his favorite band...and we think we lose the plot a little bit.
Is this just a quick dad joke that he wanted to fire from the hip, despite the fact that it isn't all that funny? Maybe this is some kind of inside joke or a unique sense of humor that we couldn't possibly understand. Still, at least they're celebrating. That's fun.
You Have a Debt to Pay
Sorry to burst your bubble if you still didn't know, but the tooth fairy is just your parents. It's always been your parents. Whether you just had a quarter to add to the jar, or you got a sweet five bucks, it's been your parents who have snuck down and stuck some cash under your pillow while you slept.
These two parents have just realized that they were a little too busy last night to make a deposit, which means they're going to have to scramble today. Good news for the kids – that usually means a little bit more to make up for it.
It Only Goes in One Direction
Kind of seems like a raw deal, doesn't it? But there's not much you can do about it unless you want to get your hand slapped. And even so — no way can you slap her hand, no sirree, nuh uh. That would be mean. Then again, maybe we have a chance to change the paradigm.
You can eat your own fries, lady. But, at the end of the day, relationships are about compromise. She works hard. If she wants some of your fries, just let her have a few. It's not like the world is going to run out of french fries.
Looking at It From a New Perspective
Nothing is all that fun if you have a cold or feeling kind of weak and tired. Work is a nightmare, chores seem impossible, and even sitting at home isn't all that relaxing thanks to coughs or runny noses. However, no matter how bad you have it, there's always somebody who has it a little worse than you, and that person is your wife.
Guys tend to get hit with illnesses a little harder than women for some reason, but that doesn't mean women don't suffer too. They have to suffer through the guys dealing with it, and some guys can be whiners.
Just Human Nature
One of the biggest challenges in marriage is continually working to keep that spark alive. Work, kids, you name it — life can get in the way, and before you know it, things just aren't as exciting as they used to be when you were newlyweds. We don't look the same, we don't want the same things, and getting those flames burning high takes a lot of work. A lot of work for everyone.
So it's good to see that there's still one trick that still works — good old-fashioned disrobing. With 21 years under their belts, this couple is clearly doing something right.
Important Conversations
Here is a perfect example of how choosing your baby's name is one of the hardest things new parents have to go through. There are some conversations you'll have with your spouse that you frankly could never have imagined. All the more so when you become parents. We're not talking about deep philosophical arguments or 2 AM hard conversations over finances — we're talking discussions like these, where you and your spouse thoughtfully contemplate the names of your kids' stuffed animals.
Usually, these conversations will be funny and light-hearted. Usually. Until you find yourselves in a heated debate about whether "Daisy" or "Princess Leia" better describes the personality of your 2-year-old's stuffed panda.
Grocery Lists
"Honey, it's three basic items. I think I'm more than capable of remembering milk, bread, and... wait what was the third one again?" When will they learn? In today's technological age, there is no excuse for not writing lists down. You don't even need a pen and paper anymore! Just open the Notes app on your phone, or send yourself a text.
But arrogance is a poisonous fruit. It makes men brazen and, ultimately, stupid. At least this husband can poke fun at himself, perhaps in order to distract his wife while he runs back to the store for the actual groceries.
Patiently Waiting for His Turn
Don't you hate it when you're in the middle of an argument and you're just blanking on good comebacks? They only come to you later, way after the argument is over, and you kick yourself for not thinking of them before — but you're ready for next time. Maybe this happens because it's not your turn to use the brain, ever thought of that?
This husband was in that exact boat, and it caught him in a panic. It also made him look kinda dumb in front of his wife, which wasn't ideal given that that was the exact point she was trying to make. But boy oh boy, next time he'll be prepared.
It Never Ends
Being married can feel like a never-ending list of things to do. And that's because it is. Every room in the house is teeming with possibilities of chores to do. You can't even feel safe in Idaho anymore! The good news is that you get to do it with your best friend by your side, and that's got to count for something, right?
Now this is a deep hole this husband got himself into, assigning himself three household tasks and a road trip in a matter of minutes. This wife is clearly on top of things, and she's holding a short leash to make sure her man isn't slacking off.
Simply Speechless
Say what you will about this guy's maturity, but 45 is an impressive number of gummy bears to fit in one's mouth. Maybe he was going for the world record, and his unsupportive wife can't see that he's working towards something bigger than the both of them.
That's the problem with marriages today — spouses don't support each other like they used to. Back in the day, if your husband wanted to be the best darts player at his local bar, his wife was by his side. None of this "you're so immature," "Steve we're 4 months behind on the rent," "When will you get a job" nonsense.
Stand Your Ground
It's a lot of responsibility to be the man of the house. Sometimes, you have to stand up to your wife and remind her who's boss — she is. Two kittens are a lot to take on, especially if you have young kids around. But, what a determined wife wants, she usually gets, regardless of who's wearing the pants.
And that's okay! Sometimes being the man of the house means picking your battles and making your wife happy. Plus, even though they're a lot of work, kittens are ADORABLE and 99.999% of people don't regret getting them. PSA: Adopt don't shop!
Weighing Up the Options
You might think that infidelity is the worst thing that can happen to a marriage, and you're not far off. But really, the only thing more shameful than that is one spouse ignoring the other spouse's better advice, and then failing miserably because of it. Like this guy. What exactly was his intention in going after that raccoon? No idea, but needless to say it wasn't this.
Now on top of his battle scars, he's got to deal with his battle-ax. Talk about adding insult to injury. So to make things more palatable, he took the easy route and feigned having an affair. It's not the smartest strategy, but we are dealing here with a guy who chases raccoons in his spare time, so don't judge too harshly.
Count Your Blessings
Sorry to say it: There is literally no better feeling than realizing that the kid who is crying isn't yours. It's not that parents like seeing other children cry, it's just a sweet relief that you personally don't have to deal with yet another tantrum. Does that make you a bad person? Yeah, for sure a little. But that's life.
Whoever told you that having kids was all about nurturing young minds and teaching kindness was sorely mistaken. It's about looking more put together than the other families in the park for the 20 minutes that you're there for before you all leave in tears.
For Richer or Poorer
Finances are a tough subject for many couples. Not seeing eye-to-eye on money is a leading cause of divorce, so it is important to be on the same page before taking the plunge. If you don't, you might end up like this couple.
What the wife sees as an inane purchase, her husband considers a necessary expense for their pooch's big day. Come on, Karen! Fido has been waiting his whole life for this — and you're going to say he looks stupid? Alright, maybe she has a point, but wait till she sees what her husband spent on the catering...
A Regular Old Jokester
There's always one spouse who loves puns and dad jokes a little too much. And if you're not sure which spouse that is, it's the one who got an entire category of humor named after them. Clearly, this wife knew exactly what was coming, and this probably wasn't their first conversation of this kind.
Imagine a conversation about something as mundane as the weather prompting a divorce threat. If this seems unfathomable to you, you're likely the husband. Any wife worth her salt can spot a headache a mile away. Plus, ALL the mugs are outside? Talk about committing to the bit.
Wait a Second
It's hard to keep things fresh in a marriage. You need spontaneity, to always keep each other on your toes. That said, we don't think this is what the marriage therapist was referring to. Where does one even legally buy a penguin? Is it better to get more than one so they don't get lonely?
There are a lot of questions here, many of which are not as important as the legal issues being presented here. But you have to admit, if there had to be an animal that your spouse bought off of the black market and didn't tell you about, a penguin is pretty cool.
Congrats on the Milestone!
Communication is key in a marriage. The thing is, communication comes in all shapes and forms. Sometimes it's spoken words, maybe a telling stare. And sometimes, it's colorful foam fridge magnets. It's not the most mature way to have an argument, but it gets the job done. Also, it's jovial enough that it will automatically lighten the tone.
Think about it, with limited letters, you have to get straight to the point, so you won't get the opportunity to go off on tangents and lose sight of the issue at hand. Honestly, the more we think about it, this is genius.
Something Seems Off-Balance
When you're single, you can spend your money however you like, and you don't have to answer to anyone but the IRS. But, when you say "I do," things change. Now your money is for the family, and big purchases should be agreed upon by both spouses. This couple seems to have hit a bump in the road, where the husband thought they were on the same page about what was 'reasonable.'
We do have to wonder what could have possibly amounted to over $600 in one purchase, but presumably, the wife knew what she was doing. On the other hand, even $50 in the hands of a silly husband could result in chaos.
Go See an Optician
There's a strange medical phenomenon universally experienced by husbands: not seeing things that are LITERALLY RIGHT THERE. Ask any wife for stories like this, and then block off your afternoon in your calendar. Sure, everybody is guilty of missing something that was in plain sight before, but no one demographic can do it quite like husbands can.
These conversations start out innocent enough, but they quickly devolve into chaos. "Honey, where's the mustard?" "In the fridge on the top shelf." "It's not there." "Yes it is." "I don't see it." "OH MY GOD HENRY." You know, something like that. It's like a rite of passage.
A Hard Lesson
Low-sodium bacon sounds like an oxymoron. And honestly, what is bacon if not a heart-attack-inducing sodium package? Is low-sodium bacon, like, healthy? Do you get it from only the healthiest pigs on the farm? This is making our heads spin, we can't imagine the emotional rollercoaster that this guy is going through.
Imagine your spouse throwing a curveball like this at you. We would also start questioning their self-proclaimed love and devotion. What do you even eat that with, quail eggs? Gluten-free toast? Maybe his wife is an experimental chef and this isn't actually a cause to start marriage therapy. Maybe.
The Plan All Along?
Chores are tough, man. There are the dishes, then the laundry, then cleaning the floors, and on and on. Sometimes people need a few reminders, or, you know, a hundred. Before you know it, you're getting dressed for work on a gloomy Wednesday morning, dreaming of going back to bed, and boom; no clean underwear.
No one wants to start their day like that, and neither does the spouse who's going to start their day by getting told off. If you think about it, this is a pretty clever way for a wife to get her husband's attention. Start off seductive, draw him in, and then hit him with everything he did wrong that week. It might be deceptive, but that's what it takes sometimes.
He's Probably Fine
This is a tough one. On the one hand, the husband is being brave and risking his well-being for the safety of his household. On the other hand, it's a really good episode of "True Detective" you're on, so what do you do? We think by 8 minutes, you should check up on them.
If more than 10 minutes pass AND you can't reach them, maybe put the remote down and try to help. But between minutes 5 and 8, we would say that's fair game to get back to your viewing, just don't lose track of the time and only realize at the end of the episode that your husband is still out "investigating."
Works Every Time
Ah, wives love this one. We bet she wakes up with a chuckle and you both point finger guns at each other, maybe take a bow. Oh, what's that? Your wife actually wakes up in a panic and shouts absurdities at you in front of everyone? Hmm, peculiar.
Have you tried telling her to calm down? We wouldn't worry about it, she's probably just on her period. You know how they get during their time of the month. Oh, you did try all that? And now she's leaving you and taking the kids to stay at her sister's for a while? That's crazy, man. Can't she take a joke?
He's a Good Guy
"Wait wait wait, you meant get rid of him? Why would I do that? He's my buddy, my pal. We've shared secrets." It seems to us that this wife took care of the groundhog just fine, even giving him an identity. She knows his favorite cereal, maybe even his hopes and dreams.
Where would he even go? You can't just evict the poor guy. Sure, he might be eating away at your deck and causing some real potential damage, but he's just a cute little groundhog. He might even be one of those clairvoyant weathermen types. You just never know.
Top-Notch Negotiating
Wives have some magical negotiating powers. The phrase "happy wife, happy life" is apparently practical advice, even when the demands are a bit ridiculous. A hedgehog isn't your typical pet, and they don't come cheap, either. They're also not the easiest pets to connect to given their lack of fuzziness and presence of, well, spikiness.
Did you know that you need to wear gardening gloves to hold them? We can see why this husband put up a bit of a fight. Alas, it was for naught, as they are now the proud new parents of a hedgehog. Hopefully, he'll come to love it, too.
The Cycle of Life
The weirdest part is that there IS always something to get at the store. How can we never keep a stocked house? Even if you and your spouse are on top of things and do a weekly grocery store run, there will always be more to get during the week.
It's an odd quirk of marriage that relationship experts usually don't touch on, and it doesn't come up all that often when you're dating. But as soon as that ring hits that finger, you might as well get a membership to your favorite local grocery store, because you're practically going to be living there.